You Can Have a Weiner and Still be a Pussy

In light of this current Anthony WEINER scandal, I have come to a conclusion. Only cowards cheat. I am a firm believer in fidelity. If you’re dating somebody, you should stay true to that somebody. If YOU’RE MARRIED AND YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, KEEP YOUR GODDAMN JUNK IN YOUR PANTS.

Now, I know not everyone’s perfect. And I know that not every relationship is meant to last forever.  If you’re seeing Person A and all of sudden Person B comes around and you’re tempted to cheat, then sit back and take a look at your relationship. CLEARLY, something is missing.  If you want to pursue a relationship with Person B, then end things with Person A. It’s not fair to A, who trusts you to be faithful. It’s not fair to B, who likely doesn’t know about A and if he or she does know about A, is cool with being a Homewrecker, then that says a lot about that person’s character i.e. scumbagaroo.

We’ve all been tempted, one summer, when I was dating Pinocchio (refer to Guilty as Charged) I met a man. And he was bangin.  He was a carpenter who was residing my neighbor’s house, and everyday he’d be outside, twenty feet from my bedroom, with no shirt, six-pack abs and a buzz saw, working the hot August days away.  And every time I saw him, the little devil on my shoulder screamed, Come to Mama.  But alas, I had a boyfriend- granted I hadn’t seen or heard from Pinocchio in weeks (refer to He’s Just Not that Into You) but I couldn’t conscionably get my mack on knowing that I wasn’t single.

I know that not everyone thinks this way. I have friends who cheat on their significant others. They don’t qualify kissing another man or fondling the party in his pants cheating, because they didn’t sleep with him. Or they think because their relationship is going downhill and the boyfriend is being a pussy that gives her a carte blanche to bang someone else. Or text them pictures of your goods or sext them suggestive things.

If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, and find someone who could potentially fill that void, then end your first relationship to pursue the second. If you are a New York state representative, with a wife who works for the Secretary of State and is the favorite of Democrats EVERYWHERE, if you want to run for Mayor of one of the most influential cities in the ENTIRE WORLD, or if your wife is pregnant, then you should NOT be texting strange women pictures of your weiner.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

What farts say about love

A recent post from a girl I’m friends with on Facebook reads: “My honey is afraid to fart in front of me lol.”

I thought to myself, Oh, new relationships. This particular couple has been together for less than a month now, so I thought it was just one of those new relationship nuances that she decided to not so tactfully make public. 

BUT WAIT.

On the second week of their relationship they signed a lease and moved in together. So I ask this: are you ready to live with a man who doesn’t know you well enough to let out a little gas? Guys fart all the time. Just last night I met a friend-of-a-friend for the first time, and that sucker was letting ’em rip all over a pub in central London. That, however, is not exactly desirable behavior. 

But, you know, they’ll have at least one year under a lease to get to know the other’s natural bodily functions. Right? Wrong.

IT GETS BETTER.

On the third week of their new relationship, they got engaged. I don’t believe in the bullshit of love at first sight, so perhaps I’m too cynical about this. Maybe there is a chance for our non-tooting couple. 

So my question to all of you is this: would you want to marry a guy who doesn’t know/trust you well enough to let one rip?

Personally, I’d need to experience at least two farts before signing a lease. Just kidding. What’s the rush, kids? My main point here is that I don’t have much faith in these rash decisions people make in falling hard and fast into love. It just happened to fit quite well into the farts scenario.