Rubbers. Jimmy Hats. Raincoats. Willie Warmers. Condoms. Call ‘em what you will. I like to call them the reason I’m not pregnant and I plan on staying that way until there is a ring on my finger, my own roof over my head and a hell of lot more money in my bank account. Condoms are the reason Tarzan isn’t supporting his baby mama on a bank teller salary. And the reason I am writing this article. Why, you may ask?
Because Tarzan has decided, unilaterally, that he no longer wishes to wear a condom when we do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Which would be fine if I was on birth control. Except I’m not. I don’t have health insurance and can’t afford the extra 70 bucks a month for the script.
Tarzan says that they cut off his circulation and he can’t feel anything anymore. ANYMORE? We’ve been having amazing sex for the last year and half and now, all of a sudden, he can’t feel anything? I offered to buy the Magnum Thin condoms, but he said he doesn’t trust them. I offered to get the Magnum Extra Large ones and do you know what he said? “I’m a patient man. I can wait.” Well you know what?
I am not a patient woman.
I have needs. And for the last year and a half those needs have been satisfied by a very apt, very knowledgeable Tarzan on a regular basis. And frankly, I would like to keep it that way.
He said it’s because all the times we pulled off the side of the road, or parked behind the high school, stayed late inside the movie theater or went hiking in the woods was because he was (and I too, admittedly) swept up in the heat of the moment and wanted it then and there. But now it’s more personal and he wants to be able to ‘feel’ me, skin on skin. Now I don’t believe in the Pull-Out Method, and I don’t want to take Plan B.
So at the end of the day, these are my options:
1) Not have sex, lose my mind while I wait until my health insurance kicks in.
2) Have bad sex.
3) Have unprotected sex and get my eggo preggo.
Or 4) do what I am doing:
Tell Tarzan to suck it up and take it like a man.
After all, sometimes you gotta act like a man to feel like a woman.