Author Archives: LovelyLadyLumps

Cleanliness is next to Godliness (at least in my book).


This can definitely be classified as a “first world problem” or, my personal favorite, “white people problems,” but  I need to vent.

I wish...

My boyfriend is GROSS. Sometimes mind-blowingly so. I’ve never considered myself to be a clean/neat freak, but I do have standards and his apartment was far, far below them when I moved in. Seriously, how do you not notice that the sink is overflowing with dishes??? After leaving a cereal bowl on the living floor for TWO WEEKS, don’t you think it’s time to pick it up??? If I find one more empty pack of cigarettes in my CLEAN laundry basket, I’m going to LOSE IT (especially since I just spent 10 bucks and 2 hours at the laundromat! GRR.).

It all started on my first official move-in day. I drove 3 hours in my fully packed car with no breaks and, needless to say, when I arrived I needed to pee somethin’ fierce. I run into the bathroom, only to run right back out again in horror. Imagine what a toilet would look like in a crack den after a group of crackheads got high, had an orgy and died on top of it. That would be the best way to describe the condition this toilet was in. EW EW EW. I flipped on my boyfriend for not even having the common sense to clean the damn thing BEFORE I arrived (You do know I have to SIT DOWN when I pee, right!? Hot damn.) and forced him to take me to the nearest BK immediately before I peed my pants (and yes, this sadly was the cleaner option).

Fast forward a few months later and things are improving, but VERY slowly. I’m trying to be patient, but I start to get THAT tone with him, the “I’m a bitchy girlfriend” tone that I hate more than anything to use, but it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I’ll admit, he will grudgingly do something after I ask him til I’m blue in the face and Saturdays have become our cleaning days when our apartment really needs it, but it’s not always enough. I think to myself “HOW can you not notice the filth?” and “HOW does it not bother you?” I’m almost jealous.

I’m not trying to make my boyfriend out to be a lazy bum, he has some pretty physical days at work and comes home feeling pretty beat, but I work a 40 hour week and I STILL come home and accomplish a bit of housework most days. I think(hope) he’s noticing and realizing that picking up after yourself should be part of the daily routine.

We recently found our new place that we’re moving into soon. It’s a nice size and in a great location, but the one downside? No dishwasher. And my boyfriend’s response? “.. but you’re the dishwasher, hunnie.” He was joking, of course, but STILL, it’s very close to reality. I know that with more time (and training), we’ll spend an equal amount of time doing housework, but I feel this is going to feel like this is going to mean a lot more use of “the tone”.

I consider myself an eternal optimist. But this optimist likes a clean living space and a freshly showered boyfriend, godammit! There’s always hope, right? Or will the woman always be destined to clean up after the dirty, stinky man?


He’s just NOT that into you.


Although I’ve never read the book referenced above, I feel as though it should be required reading material for all 20-something’s caught up in the (not so wonderful) world of dating. I suppose most would tell me that I “just don’t get it” because I’ve found The One and I don’t have to deal with the bullshit mating ritual that we like to call “dating,” but I’ve had the displeasure of watching some close friends charge into battle head-on, only to come back with blotchy make-up and a little less self-esteem than they had before.

And yes, while guys can be assholes, us ladies have to take some of the blame upon ourselves. We, afterall, are the smarter sex, so why does it always seem like my female friends constantly get one-upped by all their male exploits?? The dude is on to the next one, while the girl is left clean up the mess. Dating the same guy for almost 7 years has allowed me the status as “one of the guys” amongst his groups of guy friends and has given me a, not always welcome, window into their sexual exploits.

Here’s one major thing I’ve learned: Guys are the biggest simpletons on Earth. Seriously.

They’re not complicated. They say how they feel, perhaps not always in the most elegant or expressive way, but oh they do. Or if they don’t say it, they sure as hell show it. If they’re into you, you’ll know it. If not, you’ll definitely know it.

A prime example: A good female friend of mine (we’ll call her Lola)  hooked up with a fellow male friend of my boyfriend’s (whom we’ll call Garrett) in a crazy night out on the town. The next day, Lola proceeded to friend him on facebook and write him a brief message about what a good time she had. Garrett never accepted her friend request. Although there was clear evidence that he had been on facebook several times since the request was made (let’s face it, guys are too stupid to think to turn off facebook chat). Lola proceeded to harass a friend of his, giving him her number to pass along. Garrett never contacted her.  This drama unfolded for weeks, during which I constantly had to hear about what an asshole Garrett was and ponder the many reasons why he didn’t want to be “facebook friends” (apparently I’m too stupid to turn off facebook chat too). I ended up hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends, including Garrett, a week or two later. Lola somehow found out and continued to harass me for information: “What did he say about me??” “Why won’t he accept my friend request?” “What did I do wrong!?”. The Friend Request was never accepted and the drama continued. About a month later, both parties were scheduled to come in contact again at a little shindig I was having at my place. And Lola confided in me that she was going to look her best in hopes that her and Garrett would end the night in hook up city again. REALLY!? The signs couldn’t be any clearer to me: He’s SOO not into you!

And how did Lola and Garrett’s night end? A drunk Garrett ignoring the shit out of a teary-eyed, disappointed, and also drunk,  Lola.

So ladies, don’t be offended when I say this but TAKE A GOD DAMN HINT! It will save you a lot of aggravation in the end. Cut your loses and move on. If they didn’t realize how awesome you were the first time, they don’t deserve you.