Category Archives: Weiners

You Can Have a Weiner and Still be a Pussy

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In light of this current Anthony WEINER scandal, I have come to a conclusion. Only cowards cheat. I am a firm believer in fidelity. If you’re dating somebody, you should stay true to that somebody. If YOU’RE MARRIED AND YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, KEEP YOUR GODDAMN JUNK IN YOUR PANTS.

Now, I know not everyone’s perfect. And I know that not every relationship is meant to last forever.  If you’re seeing Person A and all of sudden Person B comes around and you’re tempted to cheat, then sit back and take a look at your relationship. CLEARLY, something is missing.  If you want to pursue a relationship with Person B, then end things with Person A. It’s not fair to A, who trusts you to be faithful. It’s not fair to B, who likely doesn’t know about A and if he or she does know about A, is cool with being a Homewrecker, then that says a lot about that person’s character i.e. scumbagaroo.

We’ve all been tempted, one summer, when I was dating Pinocchio (refer to Guilty as Charged) I met a man. And he was bangin.  He was a carpenter who was residing my neighbor’s house, and everyday he’d be outside, twenty feet from my bedroom, with no shirt, six-pack abs and a buzz saw, working the hot August days away.  And every time I saw him, the little devil on my shoulder screamed, Come to Mama.  But alas, I had a boyfriend- granted I hadn’t seen or heard from Pinocchio in weeks (refer to He’s Just Not that Into You) but I couldn’t conscionably get my mack on knowing that I wasn’t single.

I know that not everyone thinks this way. I have friends who cheat on their significant others. They don’t qualify kissing another man or fondling the party in his pants cheating, because they didn’t sleep with him. Or they think because their relationship is going downhill and the boyfriend is being a pussy that gives her a carte blanche to bang someone else. Or text them pictures of your goods or sext them suggestive things.

If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, and find someone who could potentially fill that void, then end your first relationship to pursue the second. If you are a New York state representative, with a wife who works for the Secretary of State and is the favorite of Democrats EVERYWHERE, if you want to run for Mayor of one of the most influential cities in the ENTIRE WORLD, or if your wife is pregnant, then you should NOT be texting strange women pictures of your weiner.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.