Monthly Archives: June 2011

YES, I have big boobs and NO, you may not stare at them.

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As none of you know, I am a relatively well-endowed chicita. Have been since I was twelve or thirteen. It’s a hard-knock life, having to cart around big knockers. It’s not as easy as it looks. We get back pain. We have to buy larger bras, which are difficult to find in themselves. And then, because our boobs are so heavy, the bra straps and bands cut into our skin, leaving undesirable and unsexy lines and marks. We have to buy bigger shirts that have more acreage for our ta-tas. And if we want to look cute, all the cute shirts are low-cut. So yes, cleavage is an almost constant companion. We ladies accept this.

Men loves titties. We ladies have accepted this as well. When they’re babies, they drink from them, when they hit puberty, they’re curious about them, and when they start getting it in, they want to do any number of things, sucking, biting, motorboating- to name a few. So it is completely understandable that if your average guy comes across a girl with size D ta-tas that he’s going to look.

HOWEVER.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE SIZE D TITS AND I WEAR A SLEEVELESS SHIRT WHILE DOING MANUAL LABOR BECAUSE I GET HOT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY FOR YOU TO COME UP TO ME WITH A ‘BABY BOTTLES’ SIGN AND PUT IT ACROSS MY CHEST.

Forget the sexual harassment claim I’d have since I was at work when this happened. The guy was like 50! FIFTY! Would he like some creepo doing that to his twentysomething daughter?!

No.

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Come Again?

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Over the past year, my friends and I have met some of the most interesting people. Some have the best stories to tell while others made us go, ‘I’m sorry, excuse me?’

Here are some of my favorites that I just had to share.

– About a month or two ago, my friends and I went out after a busy week to catch up with one another. We got caught up and then some. The place we went to had an outside area with a fire pit, which was great on this cool night. We started talking with this one guy outside that had come to the bar alone. He was newly back-on-the-market after an 8 year relationship. He told us that it had ended badly and all he wanted from the break up was the dog that they shared but unfortunately, it went to his ex. We learned a lot about this man who was a history buff and a budding businessmen. He was quite the talker and we were interested in hearing what he had to say. He was quite funny but not in the cracking jokes kind of way but he seemed to be a bit socially awkward. He might have lost his dog from the break up but he gained some awkward behavior. He was pretty open about his life and we enjoyed asking him questions. But perhaps he was a little too open.  The conversation turned to his personal life and we ladies aren’t ones to pry and ask evasive questions. We were really just curious at how he’s been handling the single life after 8 years with his now ex-ladyfriend. Apparently it was taking a toll. My one friend wanted to ask him how long it’s been since he went on a date since his break up. ‘How long has it been since you,’ she started saying when he quickly answered, cutting her off, ‘Since I’ve had sex? 8 months.’ Whaaaaa, that was not what we were getting too! And he was so nonchalant and quick to say that! After we looked at each other and let out a laugh telling him that is not what we were going to say, he goes, ‘So there’s been a lot of cold showers.’

– My friends and I wanted to try going out on a Thursday to see how busy this particular bar was on this particular night. Turns out, Thursday’s had a good crowd. Friendly people, great atmosphere and once again, another man that wasn’t afraid to speak the truth. Shortly after arriving at the bar we met two hard working fellas. One was a producer while the other was a retired Houston Rockets basketball player. They were working on a story about the retired Houston Rockets player that they were trying to pitch to HBO. They brought a small entourage with them as well; two older gentlemen that talked together all night and a younger one that sat at the bar while watching Duke and Villanova battle it out during the NCAA tournament. All three were lawyers. Throughout the night, we only talked to the producer and the retired basketball player. They were interesting guys as well and had some great stories to tell but it ended up being the younger lawyer that left us with the most memorable impression of the night. It was nearing last call and so we began our ‘It was nice meeting you’ and ‘Have a great night’ sentiments. While waiting for our one friend to finish her goodbyes, my other friend and I were still sitting at the bar when the younger lawyer decides to chat. Asking us simple things about us like, ‘Where are you guys from?’  ‘Where from (so and so),’ I say. And then came the great line that shows exactly what a man wants, ‘What are you guys doing after this?’ ‘I’m going to be sleeping in my bed,’ I said. ‘You don’t want to come over?’, he asked. ‘Where do you live?’, I inquired. ‘Up the street. Right behind Shoprite.’

Wow, nothing like a man living behind a grocery store to turn a girl on.

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You Can Have a Weiner and Still be a Pussy

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In light of this current Anthony WEINER scandal, I have come to a conclusion. Only cowards cheat. I am a firm believer in fidelity. If you’re dating somebody, you should stay true to that somebody. If YOU’RE MARRIED AND YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, KEEP YOUR GODDAMN JUNK IN YOUR PANTS.

Now, I know not everyone’s perfect. And I know that not every relationship is meant to last forever.  If you’re seeing Person A and all of sudden Person B comes around and you’re tempted to cheat, then sit back and take a look at your relationship. CLEARLY, something is missing.  If you want to pursue a relationship with Person B, then end things with Person A. It’s not fair to A, who trusts you to be faithful. It’s not fair to B, who likely doesn’t know about A and if he or she does know about A, is cool with being a Homewrecker, then that says a lot about that person’s character i.e. scumbagaroo.

We’ve all been tempted, one summer, when I was dating Pinocchio (refer to Guilty as Charged) I met a man. And he was bangin.  He was a carpenter who was residing my neighbor’s house, and everyday he’d be outside, twenty feet from my bedroom, with no shirt, six-pack abs and a buzz saw, working the hot August days away.  And every time I saw him, the little devil on my shoulder screamed, Come to Mama.  But alas, I had a boyfriend- granted I hadn’t seen or heard from Pinocchio in weeks (refer to He’s Just Not that Into You) but I couldn’t conscionably get my mack on knowing that I wasn’t single.

I know that not everyone thinks this way. I have friends who cheat on their significant others. They don’t qualify kissing another man or fondling the party in his pants cheating, because they didn’t sleep with him. Or they think because their relationship is going downhill and the boyfriend is being a pussy that gives her a carte blanche to bang someone else. Or text them pictures of your goods or sext them suggestive things.

If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, and find someone who could potentially fill that void, then end your first relationship to pursue the second. If you are a New York state representative, with a wife who works for the Secretary of State and is the favorite of Democrats EVERYWHERE, if you want to run for Mayor of one of the most influential cities in the ENTIRE WORLD, or if your wife is pregnant, then you should NOT be texting strange women pictures of your weiner.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

He’s just NOT that into you.

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Although I’ve never read the book referenced above, I feel as though it should be required reading material for all 20-something’s caught up in the (not so wonderful) world of dating. I suppose most would tell me that I “just don’t get it” because I’ve found The One and I don’t have to deal with the bullshit mating ritual that we like to call “dating,” but I’ve had the displeasure of watching some close friends charge into battle head-on, only to come back with blotchy make-up and a little less self-esteem than they had before.

And yes, while guys can be assholes, us ladies have to take some of the blame upon ourselves. We, afterall, are the smarter sex, so why does it always seem like my female friends constantly get one-upped by all their male exploits?? The dude is on to the next one, while the girl is left clean up the mess. Dating the same guy for almost 7 years has allowed me the status as “one of the guys” amongst his groups of guy friends and has given me a, not always welcome, window into their sexual exploits.

Here’s one major thing I’ve learned: Guys are the biggest simpletons on Earth. Seriously.

They’re not complicated. They say how they feel, perhaps not always in the most elegant or expressive way, but oh they do. Or if they don’t say it, they sure as hell show it. If they’re into you, you’ll know it. If not, you’ll definitely know it.

A prime example: A good female friend of mine (we’ll call her Lola)  hooked up with a fellow male friend of my boyfriend’s (whom we’ll call Garrett) in a crazy night out on the town. The next day, Lola proceeded to friend him on facebook and write him a brief message about what a good time she had. Garrett never accepted her friend request. Although there was clear evidence that he had been on facebook several times since the request was made (let’s face it, guys are too stupid to think to turn off facebook chat). Lola proceeded to harass a friend of his, giving him her number to pass along. Garrett never contacted her.  This drama unfolded for weeks, during which I constantly had to hear about what an asshole Garrett was and ponder the many reasons why he didn’t want to be “facebook friends” (apparently I’m too stupid to turn off facebook chat too). I ended up hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends, including Garrett, a week or two later. Lola somehow found out and continued to harass me for information: “What did he say about me??” “Why won’t he accept my friend request?” “What did I do wrong!?”. The Friend Request was never accepted and the drama continued. About a month later, both parties were scheduled to come in contact again at a little shindig I was having at my place. And Lola confided in me that she was going to look her best in hopes that her and Garrett would end the night in hook up city again. REALLY!? The signs couldn’t be any clearer to me: He’s SOO not into you!

And how did Lola and Garrett’s night end? A drunk Garrett ignoring the shit out of a teary-eyed, disappointed, and also drunk,  Lola.

So ladies, don’t be offended when I say this but TAKE A GOD DAMN HINT! It will save you a lot of aggravation in the end. Cut your loses and move on. If they didn’t realize how awesome you were the first time, they don’t deserve you.

Gone with the Wind- Goodbye Cosmopolitan, Hello Esquire.

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Last month Cosmo featured 70+ ways to please your man. Initially I was excited at the prospect. I happen to get a lot of pleasure by pleasing my man and 70 odd ways to do so presented a lot of possible obstacles for me to climb- but then he texted me back, ‘No. I only need like 3 things and I’m good.’ So then I thought to myself Self, do you really need to buy a magazine that says the same thing every other month? Don’t you have ‘101 ways to turn him on’ in a box under your bed from 95938475938475 years ago? Keep your $3.99 and buy a sandwich.  

And then it dawned on me.

WHY ISN’T THERE A MAGAZINE FEATURING 70+ WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR WOMAN?

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Guilty as charged!

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“Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without his clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him.  Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party.  You can’t blame us.  We were taught to rebel since a young age.”

When I first read this quote, the hopeless romantic in me thought, huh, well that’s a bit cynical, eh? (apparently my inner hopeless romantic is Canadian.) And then I stopped and thought about it. Even the other Disney princesses-Belle fell in love with a beast.  Pocahontas (should you view the massacre of the Native Americans as a genocide, like I do) fell in love with a man set out to kill her and her family, Mulan dressed up as a boy, Ariel fell in love with someone of another species, and Tiana fell in love with a frog (beastiality, anyone?)

What girl hasn’t kissed a frog or ten in her day?

So I started to analyze my past relationships and/or hookups to see if they fell in line with the Disney Princess Pattern.  And guess what? I’m as guilty as charged!

Aladdin: Now I can’t say that I’ve ever dated a dirty homeless boy for I am a fairly large proponent of personal hygiene. However, part of Aladdin’s lure was that he had a magic carpet. And Ryan (as I shall give all these guys different names) had plenty of modern-day magic carpets. I rode on his Magic Harley, got driven around in his Old Magic Chevy, a Magic Subaru something or other and some other Magic carpets.  He also engineered a Magic Train! And I swooned. Like Jasmine, I found out he wasn’t a Prince after all. Which was fine with me because the sex was less than magical.

 Seven Dwarves: I’ve never been blessed to live with 7 men before, but I have lived with three. Lonely never left his bedroom, Sporty tried luring me to his bedroom to “try out [his] purple blanket” and the other might as well have been Prince Charming, but I shall call him Smarmy since in this case they are practically synonymous. Now I will admit, for the first couple days while it was just me and the men in the house, I was on cloud nine. Especially when one had an accent and the other was much older. We would sit back, drink some Jack and watch rugby. It was a life I could get used to. At the end though, I never saw Lonely, Sporty just wasn’t my cup of tea, and Smarmy travelled to different European cities to bang different women (more power to him) but it made me want to bang him less and less.

Pinocchio: What’s there to say about Pinocchio. He was a fake wooden boy turned into a real boy and lied a lot. I dated a guy who lied a lot. We broke up and stayed friends and he still lied a lot. And his wood was small! Lesson learned.

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