Last month Cosmo featured 70+ ways to please your man. Initially I was excited at the prospect. I happen to get a lot of pleasure by pleasing my man and 70 odd ways to do so presented a lot of possible obstacles for me to climb- but then he texted me back, ‘No. I only need like 3 things and I’m good.’ So then I thought to myself Self, do you really need to buy a magazine that says the same thing every other month? Don’t you have ‘101 ways to turn him on’ in a box under your bed from 95938475938475 years ago? Keep your $3.99 and buy a sandwich.
And then it dawned on me.
WHY ISN’T THERE A MAGAZINE FEATURING 70+ WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR WOMAN?
Why isn’t there page after page of ‘put your tongue here’ or ‘nibble there’ or ‘whisper these words in her ear?’ My theory is they watch porn. Tarzan watches a lot of porn and it gives him new ideas all the time (yay for me!) but you won’t find that in Esquire. What you will find is almost as good (notice the italics) if not better. Esquire dedicates its pages on how to make a man a better man. How to groom correctly, how to dress, how to handle work situations, etc. Esquire grooms their readers to become more mature men. It trains them through their awkward 20 party animal phase into their more mature 30 adult phase.
Your average girl is not going to marry a porn star. She is going to marry someone dependable, who can provide for her and make her laugh. She’s going to marry someone who she’s attracted to, and is mature enough to handle something serious. She’s going to want to marry a guy who takes care of himself, not just what’s in his pants.
Where does that leave the women who wish men knew 70+ ways to please them?
Ladies, watch porn.
There are TONS of it out there. See what makes you tingle. See what creeps you out. See what raises an eyebrow or two. And then grab your well-groomed, mature man and say, ‘Honey, PUT YOUR TONGUE HERE.’