“Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without his clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can’t blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age.”
When I first read this quote, the hopeless romantic in me thought, huh, well that’s a bit cynical, eh? (apparently my inner hopeless romantic is Canadian.) And then I stopped and thought about it. Even the other Disney princesses-Belle fell in love with a beast. Pocahontas (should you view the massacre of the Native Americans as a genocide, like I do) fell in love with a man set out to kill her and her family, Mulan dressed up as a boy, Ariel fell in love with someone of another species, and Tiana fell in love with a frog (beastiality, anyone?)
What girl hasn’t kissed a frog or ten in her day?
So I started to analyze my past relationships and/or hookups to see if they fell in line with the Disney Princess Pattern. And guess what? I’m as guilty as charged!
Aladdin: Now I can’t say that I’ve ever dated a dirty homeless boy for I am a fairly large proponent of personal hygiene. However, part of Aladdin’s lure was that he had a magic carpet. And Ryan (as I shall give all these guys different names) had plenty of modern-day magic carpets. I rode on his Magic Harley, got driven around in his Old Magic Chevy, a Magic Subaru something or other and some other Magic carpets. He also engineered a Magic Train! And I swooned. Like Jasmine, I found out he wasn’t a Prince after all. Which was fine with me because the sex was less than magical.
Seven Dwarves: I’ve never been blessed to live with 7 men before, but I have lived with three. Lonely never left his bedroom, Sporty tried luring me to his bedroom to “try out [his] purple blanket” and the other might as well have been Prince Charming, but I shall call him Smarmy since in this case they are practically synonymous. Now I will admit, for the first couple days while it was just me and the men in the house, I was on cloud nine. Especially when one had an accent and the other was much older. We would sit back, drink some Jack and watch rugby. It was a life I could get used to. At the end though, I never saw Lonely, Sporty just wasn’t my cup of tea, and Smarmy travelled to different European cities to bang different women (more power to him) but it made me want to bang him less and less.
Pinocchio: What’s there to say about Pinocchio. He was a fake wooden boy turned into a real boy and lied a lot. I dated a guy who lied a lot. We broke up and stayed friends and he still lied a lot. And his wood was small! Lesson learned.
Tarzan: Raised by wild animals and wore very little clothing. I personally don’t find any fault with this, every girl should have herself a man who can build her a fire, slay her an animal for food so she doesn’t starve and still look like eye candy! My boyfriend can do all of those things. It’s called being a good provider.
Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming: This PC kissed Sleeping Beauty and she woke up and they got married. Which meant that he was one good kisser! A fellow I shall call Patrick, was a friend of mine in a land far, far, away. He was of average height, had curly black hair, wore a tie and rode a bike, much like one would see in a GQ magazine. For months I thought he was gay. And then one night, I hosted a HUGE party and I was the perfect hostess. I made brownies and cooked hors d’oeuvres. After shots of tequila, whiskey, cups of straight limoncello and some failed games of beer pong, I was stumbling around my townhouse in a happy, carefree trance. There was beer pong in the dining room, drunken bikini waxes down the hall to the right, couples fighting in the bathroom, people hooking up downstairs, a threesome on the stairs and shots EVERYWHERE. And then I turned around and there was Patrick, in another tie. And he asked me to go outside with him and I said yes, trying to be a good hostess. And then he kissed me and shoved his hands up my shirt and a big flashing neon light went off in my head saying, NOT GAY, DEFINITELY NOT GAY. While we didn’t get married, his kiss sure did open my eyes!
Cindarella’s Prince Charming: In the same land, far, far away, LadyJane and her pals spent hours getting ready for a night on the town. She straightened the shit out of her hair, dedicated a half hour to her eye lashes, stepped into her three-inch heels and decided to ditch the bra and free-boob the halter-top. That night, LadyJane meant business. She and her friends went to a couple different pubs, settling down at The Cornmarket, where the doorman greeted her with two free jello shots and the barman looked at her like she like was gonzo when she ordered straight whiskey. LadyJane’s dance with her pal John was interrupted by Connor, the older brother of her housemate. And boyo, did he charm his way right into her mouth and later that night into her pants under a giant tree in suburbs of an ancient kingdom. After their time in the foliage, she lost her high heel, which he then found for her, just like in Cinderella. (As you can see, I have nothing cynical to say here.)
Robin Hood: In real life, Robin Hood is my favorite Disney story. But he was still a thief, as was Kevin whom I dated for a total of three weeks. I didn’t know it at the time, but then one day he took me with him behind the railroad tracks to meet a cab driver who had money for these car parts that he stole. Like any normal person, I found that this violated my moral code and told him I didn’t like it. He said he’d stop for me. But of course he did not, soI broke up with him and he later got caught stealing a car and was thrown in the clink.
I’m sure there are other Disney characters I could attribute former conquests to, but it’s late and Tarzan is on his way over. So in conclusion, what do I have to say to Disney? Thank you for subconsciously training me to go after the bad boys, the charmers and the naked, for I would not be who I am today, learn the lessons that I have learned and boinked a tall, dark and handsome Irish guy in public, a story with bragging rights that will surely last for years and years to come.